American Elections 2012: What is a Mormon?

The next edition from our travelling contributor Jack Spanish!

Catch up from his previous posts HERE! 


What is a Mormon?


No Cindy it is not a cold fish.

No Ronald it is not an extinct hairy dinosaur elephant.

No Jonny, not a Moron, a Mormon.

So…It all started in the 1820’s when Angels appeared to a human Joseph Smith, in the manner that Angels have appeared to other humans – Abraham, Moses, Noah, Daniel, Mother Mary and her beau, Mohammed, to name a few. The Angels directed Joseph to Gold Engraved Plates buried by early day Saints (half human – half Angel), in upstate New York, who had been led to the America’s by a resurrected Christ, in early AD. Joseph dug up the Gold Engraved Plates, and translated the writing into the Book of Mormon, which forms the foundation of the Mormon religion, along with the Bible. Richard Dawkins described Joseph as a conman, fake, and a common fraud – as if only he is possessed of the real truth. For me, if you look at it logically (not as a religious person), there is less chance of the devious meanderings of broken telephone in Joseph’s word than in all the others, but I’d still like to see the Gold Plates, you know, get some cold hard evidence – all these things getting lost always – Joseph’s multi colored coat, Moses’s staff, Noah’s Boat, the Holy Grail, dare I say…Jesus’s body, and now Joseph’s Gold Engraved Plates. Sometimes to believe you might like to hear something other than:  ‘some dude who spoke to God, or God’s chosen representatives said.’ I am not saying I don’t believe Joseph – I am saying NO plates…and Joseph SMITH.

Mormon’s under Joseph Smith were polygamous, but that changed, sadly, when Ricky Baby Sanatorum’s Roman Catholic ancestors wanted to go to war with them because of it. Mormon’s are now monogamous and similar in thought to most organized religions – no gays, no abortion, no sex before marriage (or birth control, for religious rather than health reasons), no alcohol, no tobacco; Republican. Today there are about 13 million Mormons in the world. It is the Mormon’s, and East African Pirates who are currently having the most success with conversions in West Africa.

Mitt Romney is a Mormon, and proud of it – he calls it his Faith. You have to admire him, a little, for being so open; it is not the most politics friendly religion – polls show that Mormons are not as trusted by conservative Republican’s as your garden variety Bible Basher, but are more trusted than Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Atheists.

What I find peculiar, in this day and age, I mean 2012, is this opaque requirement that all Presidential Candidates have a not insubstantial amount of knee bending under their belt – FAITH – for want of a better illusion. Even Our Newt claims to be a born again Christian. It must annoy him, putting up that act, and knowing whom it is that he is acting for. I know it is not nice to bash a man for his Faith – Lord knows we all need a little bit more belief in something to enhance this humanities morality.

The thing for me is – it’s a human office, that of the President of the Brave New Free World – we might all be better served, by a man who didn’t have his head in the clouds…


Jack Spanish – 10/2/2012



American Elections 2012: The Famous Four, evil, and Our Newt

If you havent been reading for a long time, you will no doubt be unaware of our ‘sometimes – mostly not’ correspondant aptly named Jack Spanish!

If you feel like the long version – go read his previous stuff! 

If not, here he is!


So!!! Where are we in the American Elections?

The Texan Rick Perry is out. Gone too, are the Pizza Man, who realized the tactics which worked for OJ – deny, and refuse to testify, might work in a court of law (yes it does), but not in a presidential race; the Prettier Palin, who realized that the Lord Jesus…still…sadly…works in mysterious ways (thank God); J Huntsman Jnr who realized that no one, anywhere, wants a person with Jnr anywhere near his name to be ruler of the ‘free world,’ EVER AGAIN. There is a Daddy’s Boy left, mind you, not quite a Jnr but still a Daddy’s Boy, his name is Mitt, and no one really knows what that stands for. At the moment Daddy’s Boy Mitt is squaring up against Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) for the Republican nominee. Ricky Baby (Sanitorum) and the Old White Man Ron make up the Famous Four. Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) is the momentum front-runner fresh off the lynching in South Carolina. If you ask me it was eerie the way the Texan Rick Perry withdrew on Erev South Carolina Caucus, and handed Our Newt his endorsement and the double digit lynching which put his messy campaign back on track. I can only think that a meetin took place in the South on a Ranch, and men with full heads of hair, big buckled belts, white teeth, and large hats covering their eyes, told Our Newt that he was now their choice, the way their Daddy’s once said the same thing to Nixon. After the meeting someone from that Ranch placed a phone call directly to Rick Perry, who shook when he saw the number, because he always shook when the number called, and that man said, ‘thanks son, you’ve put up a good smile, and your hair is great, but Newt is our new choice, and that means pardner that he is your new choice.’  

Evil just threw its lot in with Our Newt, I’m not saying that Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) is evil…I’m just saying that he is evil’s choice.

That gives Ricky Baby (Sanitorum) One, Daddy’s Boy Mitt One, Our Newt One, and the Old White Man Ron zero as they move into Florida, that little old place by the water that gave us inconvenient truth. What I think about Florida is the same that I thought about Iowa, and New Hampshire, and South Carolina – if any of the Famous Four make their way into the White House the coffin containing the last remnants of the American Dream will be nailed shut, and buried: deep.

I suppose some might ask why anyone who is not an American might be interested in the election? The answer is simple – I just can’t stop myself it – it’s like trying to ignore a car crash, a nun with a javelin through her head, or two women kissing on the train home after work. In 2012, THIS is the greatest show on earth – the American Elections makes X Factor look like a pancake, the FIFA World Cup a raison, Danny Boyles opening ceremony at the London Olympics a piece of string. It’s a jerk off the likes of which this world has never seen – and I for one am always up for a good jerk off, especially when the cock is Democracy.

Jack Spanish

27 January 2012