If you havent been reading for a long time, you will no doubt be unaware of our ‘sometimes – mostly not’ correspondant aptly named Jack Spanish!

If you feel like the long version – go read his previous stuff! 

If not, here he is!

So!!! Where are we in the American Elections?

The Texan Rick Perry is out. Gone too, are the Pizza Man, who realized the tactics which worked for OJ – deny, and refuse to testify, might work in a court of law (yes it does), but not in a presidential race; the Prettier Palin, who realized that the Lord Jesus…still…sadly…works in mysterious ways (thank God); J Huntsman Jnr who realized that no one, anywhere, wants a person with Jnr anywhere near his name to be ruler of the ‘free world,’ EVER AGAIN. There is a Daddy’s Boy left, mind you, not quite a Jnr but still a Daddy’s Boy, his name is Mitt, and no one really knows what that stands for. At the moment Daddy’s Boy Mitt is squaring up against Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) for the Republican nominee. Ricky Baby (Sanitorum) and the Old White Man Ron make up the Famous Four. Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) is the momentum front-runner fresh off the lynching in South Carolina. If you ask me it was eerie the way the Texan Rick Perry withdrew on Erev South Carolina Caucus, and handed Our Newt his endorsement and the double digit lynching which put his messy campaign back on track. I can only think that a meetin took place in the South on a Ranch, and men with full heads of hair, big buckled belts, white teeth, and large hats covering their eyes, told Our Newt that he was now their choice, the way their Daddy’s once said the same thing to Nixon. After the meeting someone from that Ranch placed a phone call directly to Rick Perry, who shook when he saw the number, because he always shook when the number called, and that man said, ‘thanks son, you’ve put up a good smile, and your hair is great, but Newt is our new choice, and that means pardner that he is your new choice.’  

Evil just threw its lot in with Our Newt, I’m not saying that Our Newt (whose not quite honest bread) is evil…I’m just saying that he is evil’s choice.

That gives Ricky Baby (Sanitorum) One, Daddy’s Boy Mitt One, Our Newt One, and the Old White Man Ron zero as they move into Florida, that little old place by the water that gave us inconvenient truth. What I think about Florida is the same that I thought about Iowa, and New Hampshire, and South Carolina – if any of the Famous Four make their way into the White House the coffin containing the last remnants of the American Dream will be nailed shut, and buried: deep.

I suppose some might ask why anyone who is not an American might be interested in the election? The answer is simple – I just can’t stop myself it – it’s like trying to ignore a car crash, a nun with a javelin through her head, or two women kissing on the train home after work. In 2012, THIS is the greatest show on earth – the American Elections makes X Factor look like a pancake, the FIFA World Cup a raison, Danny Boyles opening ceremony at the London Olympics a piece of string. It’s a jerk off the likes of which this world has never seen – and I for one am always up for a good jerk off, especially when the cock is Democracy.

Jack Spanish

27 January 2012

Later this month, a local movie that we hear is brilliant hits the cinema (we’re yet to see it but as soon as we do we’ll update this post). It’s called Material and will be out on the 17th of February. Riaad Moosa plays the lead in the film, and is accompanied by Vincent Ebrahim from The Kumars at No. 42, who came from London, to play Riaad’s father. It celebrates the goodness of South Africa’s spirit and of the legacy of a unique and historical part of this land, Fordsburg. Personally I can’t wait to see it – check out the trailer for more.

Cassim Kaif (Moosa), a young Muslim man who works in his father’s fabric shop in Fordsburg, Johannesburg. In the family tradition Cassim, as the only son, is expected to take over the family business from his father. Cassim is a respectful son and has certainly not considered any alternatives; this is his life and his destiny. Until one night, through a series of coincidences, he lands up doing an open mike session at a local comedy club. He discovers a hidden talent for comedy; a passion is sparked within him like nothing previously in his life. He is encouraged to carry on with the comedy, a path that brings him into conflict, not only with his father but other family members and some elements of his community. This is essentially the story of a family grappling with universal issues like, identity, responsibility and duty.

The cast features an exciting line up talent, including Riaad Moosa, Vincent Ebrahim (Kumars at No.42), Denise Newman, Joey Rasdien, Krijay Govender, Zakeeya Patel, Carishma Basday, Roysten Stoffels, Nik Rabinowitz, Osmond Ali, Afzal Khan, Rabin Harduth and Quanita Adams.

I brought up Barack Obama’s bailout briefly the other day to try and illustrate how powerful transparency of expenditure can be for a government.

With a simple website and something long forgotten in politician school, honesty, the President went from being the most untrustworthy first citizen to someone the masses could get on board with. He essentially managed to convince a nation that had recently lost everything to, not only give him more money from their tax coffers than ever before, BUT ALSO without the widespread chaos that I expected. Fast forward to today and for the first time since the bankers destroyed the world in 08 the employment numbers are up, those bailed out are now making more money than before and it seems for now that part of the Presidents problem seems to be solving itself.

So what’s my point here? Do I think our government should be handing out money to try fix the massive social and economic decay facing this nation?

Plainly, F*@K NO I wouldn’t let them hand out food stamps – you saw what happened when they tried to hand out condoms at the ANC centenary (in other news get ready for an influx of baby JUJU’s)!

However, imagine for a moment a country that prided itself on truth, honesty and integrity.  A nation not scarred by previous regimes, a country with leaders not out to spend their time in office filling their pockets, but a democratically elected leadership who told its citizens where exactly its tax money was going.

A small smile creeps up my face as I can feel your skepticism – don’t worry we, like an abused single mother, have been hurt too many times in the past to trust again that easily.

Most people don’t really understand budgets (the country’s credit card debt numbers are evident of that) but here’s a ‘budgets for dummies’ for you.

No matter if the budget is R1000 or R100 billion – the principal is the same. At the start of the fiscal year you start out with a number and you divide it up based on the expenses, you use the previous year as a guide and the coming year as an influence and you make the best decisions you can to split the money in such a way that you will cover all bases. You then hope that your projected income is delivered and then the sums should make sense and you make some money. The theory is really rather simple – the practice however is slightly harder but you get the basic understanding.

Now imagine you as a citizen of a country could log onto the governments website and see exactly how this money was split. What healthcare was allocated VS education VS safety and security VS (most importantly government housing allowances).  I’m not talking about an auditor general’s report that comes out and has so much grey area that it may as well be London in autumn, I mean an easy to use easy to understand website. A place where ALL expenses must be channeled through and explained. Surely if there is an expense it requires some kind of explanation, and surely that explanation is not illegal or unethical then there is no harm in sharing it with the public.

You see under the cloak of governmental darkness, things can be hidden, that’s where people take chances and thats where corruption starts it cancerous life and is fed until it becomes the deadly stage 4 and a country is on life support.

As citizens who are united only by our distrust of this and every other government we need to start asking MORE or our elected officials! We have forgotten who the customer in this relationship is quite simply. You may not realize it but we pay for services that we expect to be done and when they are not, and when our money is being stolen so blatantly surely we have to be stricter on our service providers and in this case it’s the government.

At the end of the day the public, the paying public has the power. You see WE are the ones depositing billions into government funds every month to use ‘to run the country’ and if we don’t, well, at first there will be a standoff (and all the chaos that comes with that) but at some point one party will have to cave. I truly believe with the correct public leader and the right process we can change democracy in a way that will affect future governments around the world.

Imagine that, South Africa leading the fight to a transparent democracy, one where the citizens have the right to see where their money is going. Seems so simple doesn’t it!

Last week the auditor general brought out a report on the last financial year and the way our government managed the funds.

Now as taxpayers, if you didn’t know, we have a vested interest in this report. You see you give a portion of your salary (well maybe you don’t you tax evading bitch!) to the government every month and other than knowing they use it to give to their tenderpreneur (yes it has a Wiki page!) mates for their Breitling collections, surely you want to know what the hell they do with it?

Well it turns out they fuck around with it (yes I hear you all saying ‘surprise surprise’) but, I consider myself fairly cynical when it comes to our joyful leaders in parliament, and not even I could have imagined to what degree we were being screwed.

Let me give you the number R20 BILLION!

Yes, R20 BILLION of our hard earned and paid money has been wasted. I suppose you want to know what the hell they spent it on. The list is sadly a long disgusting trail starting from just bad management of fund to fraud to tenders paid for but services never delivered!

What I find most incredible is we go on living our lives, paying our tax and not making a noise about any of it until we are drunk at a braai and we start to whine about how this country is getting raped – WELL START TO MAKE SOME FUCKING NOISE ABOUT IT THEN!

If I wasn’t moving half way across the world in the coming weeks I think I would start to create a movement, not one to over throw or fight but one that wants transparency. A movement that tries to get like-minded people to forcefully ask for honesty, openness and most of all a government that at least tells us when and how they are going to rape us. To have a system that allows citizens to see what is happening with their money similarly to that of Barack Obama’s bailout policy – probably the most successful expense of any government in recent history!

I want and I demand as a citizen to know that my tax money is being spent on things that are helping change this country for the better, not being used to fund 100^th anniversary parties, not private jets where they’re not needed and certainly not to pay tenders on jobs that are never done and the fact that South Africans don’t seem to care makes me insanely angry!

Once again I turn to the, perhaps clairvoyant, Zapiro who years ago showed our fearless leader JZ like this – who could’ve expected anything less of the government he installed than to rape the rest of its citizens !

So STM decided to stick out the quiet and peaceful Joburg until all of you animals started returning – now it’s our turn!

First a small hop to Dubai on the new A380 Business Class (don’t worry we know we’ve let you down but next trip will be First I promise) but still I fear a few glasses of Champaz at the bar are necessary to kick off the holiday (yes there is an on-board bar)!

Then I think there shall be an important focus on TV, movies and perhaps the needed few hours of work!

Finally after a sleep in the hotel in Dubai and a leg to Zurich its time to hit the majestic KULM hotel . . .

For a bit of a relax . . . .

Some superb dining . . .

And most importantly to behave like absolute animals on the slopes!

Don’t worry though, I may decide to write something or other, but if I do just know that I will be lying on a deck chair overlooking the crisp white mountain with some kind of vodka concoction in hand in the middle of this!

Don’t HATE – its just not nice