If you’re on the Garden Route…

Unfortunately STM are stuck in Joburg this festive season (although I guess it could be far worse than spending the morning on a beautiful golf course in a semi-deserted city). While I’m not really too upset about missing out on the December coastal chaos, one thing I really am upset about is not being able to drink vast quantities of Mitchell’s in it’s home town, Knysna.

So, if you’re anywhere on the Garden Route, and I really mean anywhere, I suggest you get in your car and brave the busy N2 to get to the new Mitchell’s beer garden and tasting pub on Thesen Island, for one of their eight different beers.

If you’d like to get a little closer to the brewing action, you can also visit the actual brewery for tours and tastings. On the other hand, if like us, you can’t make it there this year, visit them on their Facebook page or follow them on Twitter.

How far The ‘Once Great” Liverpool’s soul has fallen!

I may be a little biased due to the fact that this little bastard cost the last African team left in the 2010 soccer world cup their spot because, let’s be honest here, he’s a fucking cheat! I hated him when Manchester United threatened to sign him and I hated him the most when his cheating antics landed themselves at Anfield (a club I respect tremendously – even more so under ‘King Kenny’)

The fact is the man is a VERY good footballer and I suppose as the season went on a bit I started to hate him less for being a cheat and more because of his and Liverpool’s new found success (if you are a football fan you will understand this is a normal and very acceptable hatred of other teams players)

Then one fine winters day Suarez came to Manchester and without question racially abused Patrice Evra (a guy who at his worst is a tough no nonsense footballer) over and over again – the cheating hatred began to come back. Over the coming days video evidence proved the abuse and Suarez was given an eight match ban!

In support his fellow players decided to warm up in Suarez shirts I support of this now proven Nazi! (even King Kenny who I’ve downgraded to a Nazi SS footsoldier)

What I cannot understand is why and how firstly this kind of racism is allowed in football, this coming from me, who wrote an article in ‘defense’ of Sepp Blatters so called racist remarks, and secondly how teammates of this idiot can come out in support of someone who was PROVEN guilty!

Liverpool has been an amazing club for me over the years. It’s had the same tradition, passion, heart and players that I’ve grown to love about the English Premier Leagues great old clubs and this event and more importantly the way the team and club handled it has really put them into a new realm of darkness for me. I understand supporting your players no matter what, but, there really are better ways of handling a situation like this!

Suarez is and always has lived on the edge of the law with football and for top flight players I guess that’s sadly become the norm but to be a proven racist should really mean he now must become a pariah (Darren Scott must have his hands in the air somewhere asking how come he was so vehemently outcast)

How do you get GEN Y to brush their teeth?

You see I’m part of a generation that doesn’t get the concept of long term reward or damage – that’s why we all smoke you see. It’s fun at the time but we don’t understand that it may kill us! Same with jobs – we want lots of money right out the gate because we just don’t get the ‘building a career’ nonsense.

We want the answer to a question, we GOOGLE it. We have an argument about movies and we IMDB it – we want things NOW! Simple as that.

So when it comes to your teeth you generally skimp on them because lets be fair, you have no idea what they look like, what damage you are doing and really in six months the dentist will fix any of the shit anyway!

So for mine and the disastrous millennial generations here is the solution – this things transmits images from the brush to your mirror so you can see where you need to hit, how long you need to brush and basically how disgusting you’re teeth are!


Samsung are the new cock-tease!

Maybe that’s being a little excessive but tell me when you see this concept ad from Korea you don’t get that same tingling you used to get when you first saw Pam Anderson naked!

Now I’m a rather large tablet junkie, I think I currently own 5 of them in various shapes, sizes and brands. The reason is because I can’t wait for the world of tech to become as mobile as a cellphone but as interactive as a laptop – hence the tab crush.

But as sexy as tablets are, they are still inefficient, clunky to a degree and don’t seem to be quite the future I was hoping for, and then I saw this. These clever boys and girls at Samsung have given us just a taste of the brilliance they are planning to unleash on us all. I just hope that this doesn’t turn out like the classic concept car scenario, you see this magnificent concept car at a motor show and a year later a generic piece of design feces pops out of a factory somewhere!

Somehow with Samsung driving this I doubt that’ll happen – take a look!


The year according to GOOGLE!

Last year the title of the article I wrote on Google’s annual Zeitgeist was ‘the only review that matters’ (if you haven’t seen last one – SLAP YOURSELF CAUSE YOU’RE AND IDIOT – then go watch it – it literally reduced me to tears when South Africa answered the phone) I’m pretty sure this year I won’t feel any differently when every auditory sense of mine is bombarded with best this and that crap of the year, over and over and over until finally the clock ticks over to 2012!

These guys at Google make my entire body tingle most of the year and when they combine all that has happened on our little blue planet in 2011. A video that, for the cynical *slowly raises hand* is a marketing campaign for all of their products but when you have a bouquet of produ8cts like they do its like watching a Victoria Secret show (not quite as fun but you get the picture).

If you live on this planet, best you sit down for the three odd minutes that this will take (Six minutes if you are completely useless and need to catch-up 2010 as well) and absorb how many lives were lost, families destroyed and saved, t3ears were cried and smiles were smiled. How many heroes and villains we lost in the fight and how nature continued to fight us back at each turn.

If you are a part of this world then just sit down and watch!


The story of a drug mule . . .

This last week saw, probably one of the most controversial things happen to a South African citizen outside of our borders in a long time – Janice Linden was put to death in the People’s Republic of China (in SA you can get shot and killed no prob – it’s just outside our borders we have an issue its seems) for trafficking TIK, of all bloody drugs, three years ago.

The public outcry has been immense. Why didn’t our government intervene? Why didn’t they stop this? This is a human rights violation – where was the UN? The list of questions as to who or what should have been done goes on and on and I suppose if you are a human rights activist I can kind of understand your perspective – I don’t think anyone should be able to decide if someone’s life can be taken from them for whatever reason.

Or do I?

If we look at the world around us, we bitch about human rights but it seems to be more of a reason for us to feel good about ourselves than anything else. We live in a world where human rights are butchered into tiny pieces in pretty much every society across the globe and we want to save a women’s life that was going to pollute thousands of people’s lives with TIK!

Have we lost all shape and form of moral compass?

This person was going to let one of the worst drugs be sold to children across China and we want to blame their government for killing her? If my kids (well my unborn or illegitimate ones at least) were one of her customers I would have killed her myself.

So much bad happens in this world as it currently stands, can we afford to be so lenient on people who want to make it worse just because she wanted to make a quick buck while the rest of us have to battle through life earning it piece by piece.

Talk to me about human rights for a drug dealer when women who are raped, murdered and tortured in the middle east comes to an end, when genocide and child soldiers torn from theirs families in Africa stops and when dictators stop destroying countries by oppressing and massacring their own people. Don’t cry at our government to intervene with their biggest trade partner in the world to ask for mercy for a TIK peddling fiend! WE HAVE BIGGER PROBLEMS!

Now I see every person who thinks I’m being harsh stumble across the words ‘trade partner’ and say “you see they did it for the money”. Now, YOU IDIOTS, if you are a reader you understand my view of our relationship with China (yes – I agreed with locking the Dalai Lama out to make them happy) so if you think I’m going to back down over this you must be buying some of this chicks TIK!

The bottom line is we cry about human rights about someone poisoning the fabric of society yet we go on living in our houses and crinkle our noses at dinner parties saying just how terrible those Chinese are – I say thank goodness someone has the balls to do the right thing.

They run a country that works, end of story, and the reason is they do not have time or effort to care when there should be no leniency given. They make decisions based on fact and in this instance they were absolutely spot-on!

You are just too scared to say it – the world is better off without one more drug dealer!



Right at the beginning of the 90s I started supporting Manchester United.

Probably not for any other reason than I was just a kid and my older brother who I worshipped supported them. I guess I was lucky that I started watching them at the beginning of dynasty, it could quite easily have been Liverpool who was just about at the end of theirs.

I quickly started to realize that this club was different to most other teams I had been a supporter of. It seemed as a player it demanded more of you, it demanded a level of commitment to excellence that I’d seen few other times before in my life.

Quickly my walls were coated with players like Bryan Mcclair, Dennis Irwin, Lee Sharpe, Bryan Robson & Mark Hughs! I had team photos, I bought the magazines and I watched every game I possibly could. I saw an empire being created led by a dynamic and passionate general in, at the time, just Alex Ferguson and on the solid cornerstones of giants among men like Steve Bruce, Gary Pallister and Peter Schmeichel and on the creative talents of Paul Ince and strength of Roy Keane in midfield. I had the priveladge of witnessing the magic that was Eric Cantona. I saw the birth of the team they said were merely ‘kids’ that eventually went on to take the treble together! I’ve seen almost 20 years of Ryan Giggs and will have the memory of him tearing solo through Arsenal on-route to part of that treble winning season, I’ve seen the genius of David Beckhams right foot and strike partners of Andy Cole, Dwight York and solo strikers like Ruud Van Nistelrooy. I’ve been through the best of goalkeepers and those that made my stomach turn whenever they got close to the ball like Fabien Barthez and the other 9 including an aussie and a tourettes spewing yank before sanity returned in the form of the gracious Dane Edwin. Ive watched in awe as a little ginger kid called Paul carved passing lines through defenses like a sniper. I saw the birth of Wayne Rooney as a United legend and the metamorphosis of a scrawny Portuguese winger who turned into a worldwide phenomenon called Ronaldo! The list of truly magnificent footballers than I have been honored to watch goes on and on.

I’ve experienced wins, draws and losses in the hundreds. I’ve seen the greatest heights in Europe when the baby faced assassin Ole Gunner Solskjaer scored and then Teddy Sheringham the second to bring us the Champions league for the first time in my life. I’ve seen captains hold up Carlings Cup, UEFA cups, Super cups, FA cups and Premier league trophies and I’ve seen our fearless leader being knighted by the Queen for his services. I’ve gotten drunk on success and I’ve thrown furniture around my house in anger.

The reason I tell you this is for no reason other than to establish myself as a fairly knowledgeable United fan.

Throughout my twenty years of supporting one thing has always been abundantly clear, our manager, our players and our fans have always demanded more! We are and have always strived to win and although it’s not always possible to do so, there was always a burning desire for it! Every player who has ever pulled on a United jersey has given their heart and soul on that field and THAT is the reason I watch them day in and day out for twenty seasons. That is the reason that I cheer and cry and praise year after year.

On Wednesday it is the first time since 2005/6 that I’ve felt that heart slipping slightly. Back then the world called for Sir Alex’s head, they said he was too old, not hungry enough and it was time for a new leader. I’ve never felt that way – the man has built something that I can’t ever imagine will ever be equaled in my lifetime and regardless of results he should be able to go on his own terms. He is, for me, the embodiment of greatness and my only regret is a I sadly will never get to take him a great bottle of red and talk football with a man who has stood on the front lines and won battle after battle with dignity, strength and courage.

For me, I felt for the first time we started to expect to win instead of fighting tooth and nail for every inch of it! That made me sadder than anything. On Thursday morning I woke up with a very sore head and a sadness in my heart that I haven’t felt in a long time, not anger not depression but sadness that for the first time in a long time this team of men, this club and this dynasty that I have spent most of my 29 years being a part of seems to be battling and what aches most of all is I don’t see the players hurting.

By no means do I think this is anything near the end, all I can say is that I hope when those men, who get to put on that sacred jersey, are all alone late at night, without twitter, newspapers, annoying reporters and loud mouthed fans of their own and other teams, that they think about the honour they have of wearing that crest over their hearts. I hope they dig deep down and they find the fight that MY United have always had.

I hope those men take the pain of bitter bitter defeat and turn it into the pride and spirit that I’ve seen shown through my years and years watching this glorious club.

I hope to see MY MANCHESTER UNITED again . . .

The SHABBY SHAIK syndrome!

Let us forget for a moment the world class slime fest that is Shabir Shaik shall we, because it seems that South Africans have just accepted that this cheating bastard should not be in jail because he is on the verge of death!

Please see the pic below for proof of his illness (sounds like the defense’s argument for his release on Medical Parole)

Let’s rather look at the next one who is playing ‘the hospital card’!

Thanks must go as always to Zaprio for his magical command of the political scene with merely a few sketches!


Now after I saw Jackie was headed straight to the emergency room, I decided to take to twitter and try rally some support, the response I got was a little more naïve than I expected from our normally beautifully cynical Mandy Weiner!


You see maybe I’m just of the mind frame of ‘Once bitten, twice shy’ but I cannot believe that dear Jackie Selebi has managed to get terminally ill in the five minutes that his appeal was rejected. Yes, yes I know those of you who are corruption fans will be shouting that he has been sick for a while. I don’t deny this BUT can you idiots please understand that I’m sure he had a backup plan since day one. It’s not like he was going to be healthy all the way through then keel over as the appeal ended – he’s been playing you all for months people!

I guess overall I’m just tired of getting screwed as a citizen, I mean we pay high taxes, our money generally gets stolen one way or another by our government and their friends and to be fair I’m happy to pay that toll to live the lifestyle in the country I do. BUT, when a man gets freed from jail because (again let me emphasize) HE WAS GOING TO DIE, and then we find him getting in a mosque-brawl (yeah my first time too) and still this doesn’t seem to violate his parole enough to stick that sneaky bitch back in jail – something is wrong people!

Time will tell whether or not Jackie playing the same game here but the difference between Shabby and Jackie is that Shabby is on the Zuma team, I mean he was the one who gave the Prez the corruption cash so you can only expect he can call in a few favors when he needs them – Jackie sadly can’t (well he can but Glenn Aglitotti has been in enough shit himself) so they are not likely to make any difference!

I have said I will reserve judgment on Jackie but let’s be honest, the innocent until proven guilty scenario really is tinged with irony right now. The fact of the matter is that another convicted fraudster sits in a hospital bed working out just which way is the best to bypass the legal system and cheat every single honest South African. If that doesn’t make you a little angry then get out your golf bag and book a tee off time with Shabby because you are clearly in on it as well!


The great African problem!

After having dinner with a couple of very intelligent people at the base of the Stellenbosch Mountains, the inevitable happened after a few bottles of wine, a philosophical discussion was sparked. The subject of which was why certain countries succeed and some don’t?

First it was decided that we’re probably all destined to fail because with the rate at which populations are and will grow we will suck up every natural resource the earth has and probably in our lifetimes civilization may very well collapse. So we turned our attention to the current successes and failures.

There are an obvious reason of resources, infrastructure, perhaps good governance and the fact that they were left alone and never colonized (which is actually the politically correct word for RAPING a country). Most of these reasons were used in the defense of why African nations tend to implode!

The truth is there is little defense for the behavior that has gone on in Africa post colonization. There are basically no examples on the African continent of a country that has left the shackles of colonization and bettered itself through hard work, positive focus and a lack of corruption. In fact it’s like an African template.

People revolt against colonialism (rightly so by the way), new leader takes over, new leader likes money, new leader gets greedy, new leader refused to leave, new leader becomes a dictator and proceeds to fuck up every positive thing the country had going for them (maybe a slightly generalized view but please tell me I’m wrong) and finally turns to killing, raping and torturing any opposition in their way. Its become so ridiculous that we’ve seen ad campaigns based on it (and they’ve gone viral globally)


The only difference in South Africa is two things, one is the leadership, courage and selflessness of one Nelson Mandela who basically stopped civil war by himself (if I was him I would have come out of those prison cells with two shots guns and pretended I was in a scene from zombieland!) and the other is that our young democracy hasn’t been given enough time to be tested – as we speak it is faltering not even twenty years on!

The question is, why is this an AFRICAN PROBLEM? Countries like India have had the colonization problem and now they are emerging as one of the globes superpowers along with China.

After much discussion there was no clear answer. Is it that the culture in Africa is different, one of greed and power mongering? I don’t think so, I think that’s a global problem not just ours. Is it because our leaders are just more prone to dictatorship? Not really, dictators have ruled countries all over the world throughout history.

I guess the only rational thing I can think is that our countries are, relatively, too young. We haven’t made the mistakes yet that other first world countries have made. Germany learnt their dictator lesson in WWI & II for example and they had almost 70 years to rebuild to where they are today. But then you think of places like Sweden, Finland and Switzerland that just sort of worked from the word ‘go’.

The only thing I’m scared of is that we as Africans are not as fast learners, I’m afraid we have an animal farm mentality and we may continue to make the same mistakes for a while. The mistakes of corruption and greed creating too much poverty and too much resentment between classes that it can’t ever be fixed!

In the meantime though we are wasting what is, without question, potentially the richest continent on this planet. We have natural resource gushing out of the earth and yet we still manage to screw it up. Before long we will have raped the resources dry and then where will the narcissistic nouveau –riche dictators of Africa be? Sadly on a private yacht in the Bahamas I guess (our legal systems are probably the only thing worse than our dictators)


Just who exactly fucked Michael Jackson up?

So finally, today the world has someone to point the finger at for the death of the most talented musician in a generation.

BUT, is it fair?

Since his death we have been scrambling to find some sort of closure and someone to blame for taking the King of Pop so soon and Conrad Murray was the perfect candidate. I mean, he was found guilty in the court of public opinion months ago and the trial was merely a formality really. The dude never stood a chance!

Leading the charge with pitchforks and torches was of course MJ’s family and why shouldn’t they be this evil Dr Kevorkian had stolen their precious Michael, oh the grand canyon of irony. These precious people who sat in the courthouse crying and screaming at the accused about how he had murdered their boy had absconded ALL responsibility for why the man needed rucksacks full of drugs to get some sleep!

I don’t absolve the doctor completely let’s be fair now – he was a fucking idiot after all, he was greedy, he was sloppy, he was arrogant and he was stupid but tell me ANY of these are out of place in any office in Wall Street over the last 5 years? I don’t see any of those ‘summer in the Hamptons’ bastards getting metaphorically lynched by the world? In fact I don’t see any of them in jail for crimes that financially crippled half the world. Justice system? Give me a fucking break people!

Murray was the man’s private in house doctor and he was begged by MJ to give him something to make him sleep. It’s not Murrays fault the only thing that could get the pop star to sleep was a rather strong horse tranquilizer and I really don’t think it’s his fault he gave it to him. Michael was clearly in pain, he was clearly in need of help and his doctor decided to give him what he wanted to ‘help’ him.

If we find a heroin junkie in an ally with his brains blown all over the wall we don’t go out to try prove the guy who sold him the gun is actually a murderer! WE say sad tragedy and MOVE ON! But for, arguably, the globes biggest musical star we needed more – we needed a reason to hold someone responsible, sadly as people when we are sad and frustrated that’s what we generally do and Murray was the easy way out!

The miserable fact is, the reason MJ needed these swimming pools of sedatives were the exact same idiots looking for justice. We know his family as a whole are mildly psychotic and as individuals are downright unplayable! We know his father used to beat the family for most of their lives while in between making them perform relentlessly like circus monkeys for cash.

We know that his mother pushed all of them to their limits as kids when they should have been out kicking a ball and enjoying the freedom that being a child is supposed to be. MJ was a performing genius from so young and for so long that we saw the damage it did to him – he was bombarded with publicity so much that lets be fair he was slightly bonkers.

His family was at the front of every queue for handouts, collaborations and constantly pushing and pulling him in every direction – no wonder the man spent his life paying a doctor a fortune to drug him, if I had his kind of money I’d do the same and I can barely say I’ve dealt with what he had.

At the end of the day the world was heartbroken when we lost MJ for many important reasons but do we really believe it’s fair to send another man to jail for four years because of he gave a neurotic paranoid and sleep deprived pop star some drugs to let him have a few moments of peace and because Murrays own stupidity – I’m not sure we should!

We were sad, angry and shocked and our behavior reminded me of an old story of how you catch a crocodile – you find a lizard and then beat it until it admits it’s a crocodile – Murray was our lizard!