STM is going away on tour, LE TOUR that is . . .

Just so you all know by the time you read this – we will be here . . .

But just in case you think it’s going to be compete fun and games let me tell you just how serious this is!

Two teams of six men each will arrive on day one in opposing colours (red & blue) wearing our black tour blazers adorned with the ‘le Tour’ logo at the bottom, and will play Ryder Cup Style over the next three days for this . . .

Now because my fellow STMer is on this team . . .

I shall restrict the abuse on their logo but I did hear ‘pigeon sperm’ mentioned!

As for me, we are the Spartans (if you are not so bright keep looking – it’s a Spartans face AND a golfer – CLEVER HUH!)

So before you get upset that we haven’t posted anything for the next few days REMEMBER – we are on a golf course drinking copious amounts of alcohol for a number of days and nights in a row – do you really want to read the shit we would be writing anyway?

ENJOY YOUR WEEKEND STMers and wish us luck on Le Tour!

Bheki Cele pimping it in the skies!

Please can SOMEONE explain to me, slowly, what the F%#K Bheki Cele needs a private jet for?

Our business travels a serious amount, but I mean a serious amount! I’m probably one of thirty or more  people who fly over 60 times a year and even we have done the math’s on a plane with the results being a saddening waste of funds. If that’s the case can someone please explain how the CAPEX for Bheki’s plane passed under the taxpayers noses?

I suppose we should have been more skeptical of a dude who came into office looking like this . . .

Now don’t get me wrong here, I dig Bheki! He is cool, he came in saying things like “Chest in, Stomach out” (which on a sub note is perhaps impossible for 90% of our police force) but at least he had the right game face on!

He even defended South Africa vehemently when the worlds press condemned us for allowing the slaying of the regal Anni Dewani by calling Shrien a ‘monkey’ who came all the way to South Africa to kill his wife – a bit harsh maybe but I like his gumption!

Having said all of this, are we not a little concerned that a dude dressing like a mining magnet wouldn’t abuse his situation?

Really? Are we that surprised that today we found out he has spent over R1.5m jetting himself (and apparently some high ranking officials – yeah like pole dancers are high ranking!) around the country?

Surprised? No, but a little pissed off with the number of people in power lambasting serious amounts of money all over the world, when people are outside tonight in Gauteng fighting for their lives because of weather like this . . .

Let’s not get even onto things like poverty, running water, starvation, electricity, healthcare, education and the list of boxes not checked by the government goes on and ON!

It’s got to stop somewhere! I’m not saying we need to be drastic, but what I am saying is somehow (and sadly I don’t have the answer) we need to say STOP! We need to dig in our heels and say NO MORE!

At some point we have to start judging people in positions of power more harshly, otherwise, all we will be left with in the end is . . .

The most ironic part of the entire affair is that Bheki has now launched a probe into inflated tenders given out by the Police Dept . . . soon he’ll be referred to as “Robin Hood

 

Screw Branson’s island, mine FLOATS!

Being super rich must be fun. I’m talking buy your own football team, own Formula One, have a skyscraper as your family home RICH!

Why? Just because sometimes it must be fun to own things that cannot be even used in the same sentence as ordinary life!

Things like this . . .

This, yes blink again, ISLAND YACHT!!

You can just imagine what is in there – cinemas, spas, gyms, jacuzzi rooms and more and more and more! Even when it seems too luxurious, you go outside onto a beach, YOUR BEACH!

Off the front is a nice casual glass end for the pool, me I would have gone for the infinity pool but I guess each to his own!

And at the back a few private cabanas in case the island gets a little loud and crowded and you need to do something with these!!

It makes me think of waking up in the morning, walking out onto the balcony nekkid, opening a bottle of Cristal and singing . . .

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=avaSdC0QOUM&ob=av3n

For those of you who actually give a shit about what happens to the planet yet you aren’t quite on the floating island budget HERE and HERE may be your answer!

Abu Dhabi spending sprees based on stoner sessions?

So this confirms something I have believed for a long time now. There is so much cash floating around Dubai, Abu Dhabi and the UAE that the way they spend it is by getting stoned with their mates and think of the most ridiculous way to rid themselves of their billions!

I mean come on, some dude says “I know, a gold plated car” until his more hookah’d up buddy says “NO! NO! Gold plated Veyron!” and BOOM . . .

Think about the Dubai island phenomenon, after the cars, these mates got together and decided cars were to cheap! They weren’t getting rid of their oil reserve funds fast enough, so after a large blunt session someone chirps up “Lets buy and island” he gets beaten in the head swiftly by one of his friends, “That’s FAR TO EASY MAN!” Until the next one blurts out “Let’s BUILD an island out of reclaimed land” and BOOM!

Finally we have the ‘Pièce de résistance’ when after a marathon Chillum session some brilliant individual shouts out “I’VE GOT IT! I WANT TO SEE MY NAME FROM SPACE”

The man Sheikh Hamad Bin Hamdan Al Nahyan (who is worth $23 billion by the way) had his name dug out in sand (Two KM’s wide and one KM high) so you can see it from space!

If you think I’m currently smoking one of the above GO SEE THE GOOGLE EARTH PIC!

Ps his other brilliant cash spending idea was to buy 200 cars and store them in a custom built pyramid!

I want to go on holiday to a Norwegian prison

There’s an island that lies in the tranquil clear waters off the Norwegian coast, just South of Oslo. It’s an island filled with trees and surrounded by a pebbled beach. Pathways wind through the forests, linking up bungalows, tennis courts, a football pitch, library, spa and cinema.

The inhabitants of Bastoy spend their mornings doing some work and their afternoons walking, fishing, playing sport or simply relaxing in a sauna. Sounds like a place I wouldn’t want to leave. Well the guys on the island don’t – you see they’re in a prison. There may not be any cells, or bars, or guards carrying weapons, but some pretty hardcore prisoners serve out their sentences on this “paradise”. And the kicker? It has the lowest rate of re-offense in Europe. To put in perspective the average European re-offending rate is between 70 – 75%. At Bastoy it’s only 16%.


That dude’s a murderer


Their “holiday retreat”. The whole thing sounds like a holiday!


You gave him a knife? Clearly the only shanks here are of the lamb variety.

You can read the full story here – it’s really quite interesting and makes you question the role of prison systems. Is punishment more important than rehabilitation? If you remove the emotion from the debate, is reintroducing someone into society as a productive member not a better outcome then keeping them locked up at the taxpayer’s expense?

While I do think there’s merit in the concept, there are certainly cases where punishment seems like the better option. The horrendous bombing and shooting that happened in Norway last week is a case in point. It also highlighted another strange thing about the Norwegian penal code. Under their law, a crazed extremist, right-wing, religious fundamentalist (that’s a whole mouthful of horrible!) who blew up a building and then single handedly shot and killed over ninety kids (ironically also on an island) would be subject to a maximum sentence of 21 years. They’re now considering trying Anders Behring Breivik for crimes against humanity as the sentence is longer. But still only 30 years. W.T.F??!?!??!?!

Cape Town… minimised.

Depending on how old you are you may remember Micro Machines, which were definitely some of my favourite child hood toys. I saw this video the other day and it was the first memory that came to mind. I’d imagine if you were to build the ultimate micro machine set up using one of the coolest cities as a blue print it would look something like this.

Beautiful tilt shift photography by Tim Henny:

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpDNX43IwU4

My AMY WINEHOUSE story . . .

So what’s my story?

Well really I’m not sure, I wasn’t a massive Amy fan while she was alive and I certainly am not rushing out to buy up as much AW merchandise as I can now that she’s dead but after the brain dead comments that filled social media like “She should have gone to rehab” and “She should have said YES YES YES!” I thought it responsible to write this!

Genius seldom comes along in this world, in fact I’ve been up close and personal with it only a handful of times in my life. Genius is limitless and cannot be held back. When you encounter it you are blown away by the sheer possibility that lies within that person. You feed off their energy like a never ending battery and your own possibilities start to feel endless. You are inspired merely being in the same room as it.

That’s my definition of genius, that’s my experience with genius!

Most genius (creative that is) is tortured genius, it battles to come to terms with its time and its place in this very ‘left brain’ world and as a result far too often it ends long before it reaches its full potential!

Amy Winehouse was a genius. She was one of the most talented singer-songwriters we have ever seen or heard and song after song she blew us away. As I said I was never the biggest AW fan but even I could admit she had one of the most talented musical minds and one of the most soulful, powerful and moving voices I have ever heard.

Her tortured soul could no better be seen by a simple Google images search and the revelation of the many faces of Amy!

This is true tortured genius and these are the faces of an artist battling to express herself in a world that hunts talents, exposes it and exploits it for any scrap of gain possible while concurrently destroying it!

Love her or hate her,  (yes it’s a shit cliché) you have to acknowledge her talent, you have to accept the world is a less talented place without her and most importantly don’t show your stupidity by adding your brainless comments to a social media world for you and your friends to giggle at.

No one’s death should be laughed at, least of all someone who has added more to the world than 90% of humanity ever will.

Just sit back and listen to these two clips of a simple singer sitting on a couch with an instrument, creating magic!

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqSKVv6YO8g

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N87RTDc1WI

This is just plain cool!

So some things are just blatantly, heroically, undeniably, unfathomably, outrageously, unfathomably COOL!

This bike is mind blowingly so! Can you imagine Lance on this thing cruising his way up Montfort on the Tour de France (yes I know it’ll never happen but he is just the perfect combo of cool for this bike!)

Now, while I generally applaud designers who take the traditional design of things and strip it down to then create something that is so perfectly different that it only a genius could do it, I also like to give praise to those who take the simple and make it so cool that all you want to do is go out, mortgage your house and buy one!

I mean I don’t ride anything unless it is stationary it has a row of female steppers in front of it and a massive LED screen in front of them but if I had one of these – things may be different!

Have a look!

It has the obligatory iPod doc on the top for all the beautiful things iPod apps can do!

It has three modes.

The first is pure battery for if you want to look like you are working off your ass but you are just interesting in staring at the one in front of you, the second is a bit of half and half if you are trying to scale a mountain and you need a little extra boost and the last is if you haven’t realized it has a battery pack and you want to peddle like it’s a penny farthing!

 

Bravo to these GENIUS DESIGNERS! Check them out here!

JuJu’s on the ropes (but beware the Rope-a-dope people!)

So if, for some reason, you have been pigging out at THE TEST KITCHEN or RUST EN VREDE and then topped it off with a little Sunday avi at Delheim for fondue and jazz in the cellar for the last few days (sorry yes that’s been my weekend – oh I forgot the flammekuchens at bodega with a little Cocoa Hill Rose) . . . HERES THE STORY SO FAR!

Now we’re not so arrogant to think we had anything to do with it but heres what we put out last week!

The weekend broke with, JuJu having been at the centre of a corruption scandal that makes Watergate look like someone just got sexually abused in JZ’s office (Yes maybe a little low blow but really,  have you not met our Pres! The second comparative shouldn’t have raised an eyebrow if you were confused)

 JuJu tries to get the courts to stop City Press from publishing the article that proves he is raping the poor like Marie Antoinette and not even letting them eat cake!

AFRIFORUM like the small annoying Jack Russel they are, open a corruption case against JUJU

All the while JuJu is cruising around in one of these that was openly given to him as a bribe . . .

And best of all the ANCYL website was hacked and this was posted! (If you cant read it, it says HAHAHA! I have a R16 million house and you all dont!!)

Finally, everyone who is anyone has jumped on the bandwagon one way or another and the ANCYL are set to respond today! Personally this is my favorite part because I cant wait for Floyd Shivambu to swear, deflect, make ludicrous accusations and even more far fetched excuses and then call us all white imperialists!

Money on them all blaming this on the misperception of black culture by white westerners?

At the end of the day I think the enemy is certainly at the gate for JuJu the only problem is trying to kill him politically is sadly like trying to stab an octopuss to death – you think you have done it a thousand times but somehow they keep slithering on!

Lastly my parting word for the day, JUST BECAUSE NO ONE EVER SAYS IT, is . . .

Thursday’s Threesome

Crouch, touch, pause, engage. We may have just finished the Super 15 but the rugby season is far from over. This week’s threesome is a little something dedicated to the Springboks before their encounter on Saturday. While I’m not convinced that the *ahem*… results will be quite what’s reflected in the scene below, it would be nice.

I promise that the picture after the click doesn’t contain any graphic images of an animal nature or otherwise.

How to slip one past SARS . . .

As an average South African citizen SARS has impressed me over the last few years, I mean they make it very easy and helpful for you to submit returns, they pay you quickly after submitting and they exceed their budget of collection every year.

So when I got a note from SARS saying they were going to audit me I got the same feeling as I get when i get pulled over by the cops on a Sunday morning after brunch – happy that the powers that be are doing their jobs (slightly different to the feeling I get when I get pulled over on a Sunday morning at sunrise)

So I provided our diligent tax man with all the documentation he needed and still am not pissed off even though it’s a year later, my audit has been concluded for six months and I still haven’t received last year’s refund that’s due to me . . . until I saw this!

Our dear JuJu is back, and on a personal note I thank him for stepping back into his urine colored spotlight because I was seriously getting bored! Now I don’t make Elon Musk money (yet!), I don’t own a strip club, restaurant or even a Laundromat which could be considered front for money laundering!

I’m a regular dude with a couple of properties, bank accounts and some stuff in some foreign places that the government very nicely lets me have – SO WHY THE F#@K do I get audited and JuJu doesn’t?

If you weren’t aware JuJu ‘earns’ a reported R25k a month (he has to declare what he earns) yet if you take his car payments and his watch payments his monthly cash doesn’t even cover it – but still he is building a R15m house from the ground up in Sandhurst (I spose he wants to be close to Patrice ne!)

It seems that JuJu’s statement ‘What ees business ees business and what ees privat ees privat” is enough for SARS to take his word and let him off on his merry corrupt way!

Now I don’t just blame SARS here – where the hell is the opposition, where is Helen, Patricia and the rest of the DA crew who normally are all over shit like this like the ANCYL on Johnny Blue at an after party!

Come on people – if you are going to audit me when all I’ve done is contribute to an economy being raped by its own poor then at least have the balls to audit a dude who is quite literally walking up to the SARS head office, pulling down his pants and ‘parking a curler’ on Pravim Gordons desk laughing all the way to the bank of evil!

 

I want customized EVERYTHING but I’ll start with retro appliances!

If you are anything like me, you want to be able to buy pretty much anything your brain can create?

Now as someone who tore a house apart and redid it back up again you start to get rather pissed off by the small things, things like light switches that all look like they were designed by a visually challenged accountant (even the le grand stuff) and appliances that have looked the same since the chick in the 50’s was cooking dinner for her man after a long day (thank goodness I found ONE cool fridge in the end)

What I don’t get is why there are not more companies like these guys? (I mean sadly I do get it – there is not enough demand to support these businesses – but I wish it weren’t so!)

These brilliant individuals have taken the concept of boring home appliances and given it the finger! FINALLY someone has realized that people want fun, they want creative and most importantly they was uniqueness!

 

Check out their work!

You wanted proof of Karma . . .

I often find myself wondering if there is some form of Karma in the universe and most especially when it comes to those who inflict cruelty on animals. Reason being is that humans generally should be able to handle themselves but when it comes to animals – the universe has gotta pitch in a bit!

I was sent this clip by a wine genius and I’m not sure where he came upon it as I’m pretty sure he dedicates very little of his life to Green Peace but never the less it classic!

Somewhere in the middle of some African jungle these idiots thought they would have a laugh taunting and mocking a defenseless little animal that ends up literally having the last laugh (yes I know that was poor and clichéd but just watch the damn video!)

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GhxqIITtTtU

Wine is just a drink for pretentious people . . .

. . . was the way my granddad described it, you see he was a working-class man, tough as hell, former Springbok Rugby Player, entrepreneur and probably the most humble human being I’ve ever known!

Seems though his view on the stuff didn’t filter down so well to my dad because roughly 30 000 bottles of wine later (this is a very conservative number based on his drinking pattern over the last 40 odd years) my old man is a massive drinker, collector and educator of the stuff and the appreciation for it has been passed onto us the three boys and gratefully accepted by my mother!

So enough family history, the truth is wine is no longer pretentious, in fact it’s almost become passé really. Wine is no longer for ‘rich people’ and in fact some of the best wine is some of the least expensive (NOTE: if you go on a date with someone and they pick the most expensive wine on the list a: they are a douche & B: they know nothing about wine!)

Now, finally, there really is little excuse with businesses like UNDER THE INFLUENCE out there!

On Wednesday night a small crew of hooligans descended on Campbell House in JHB for a tasting called ‘deconstructing Pinot Noir’ and I cannot explain how enjoyable, interactive and sensationally managed and presented the evening was. The selection of wines was absolutely stellar (I’m slightly biased because it included our Paradyskloof) the company sublime and the knowledge passed on by Allister from under the influence was invaluable!

I urge you, don’t sign up for crap wine of the month clubs, don’t get pissed at Winex and buy Mocholate Malbec cause you ‘dig the smell bru’ and DON’T be a naïve consumer of shit box/house wine!

Get onto under the influence’s website – check out where they will be and GO LEARN SOMETHING!

Wine is one of the greatest substances on earth for me for so many reasons, I guess mostly because it’s been part of my life for as long as I can remember but if I go back through great memories there always seems to be a bottle of wine or Champagne there – coincidence? I think not!

Thanks to the boys and girls @underinfluence for a stellar evening!

This man is a GENIUS!

His name is Kimbini Hlongwane and he is a genius!

He currently resides at Inyati Game Lodge in the magnificent Sabi Sands and he gets to spend his days showing the world what magic Africa has to offer in its wildlife!

Now I write this not to explain to you all of his obvious talent, commitment and passion for what he does – rather to show you a hidden talent of his . . . the ability to capture sheer beauty through the lens of a camera!

There is a competition currently running hosted by probably the most influential big business in Wildlife Conservation . . .

Entering is free and you may just see some images thatll change the way you see the world, inpire you for a day or minute or second but I promise you, you will get something rewarding out of seeing these photos!

Heres how you do it . . .

SO SIMPLY!

  1. Click on the above pic or the top pic – that will take you to the competitions Facebook page to go check it out!
  2. Click on the below pic of Kimbini’s
  3. LIKE IT / COMMENT ON IT!!